“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.” - Audrey Hepburn
2011 started off with a bang. I was hopeful and more sure than any other year that "This Year" was going to be my BEST year ever! Everyone in my family was doing ok, mostly.... I thought I finally had the man I was going to be with forever & he claimed he felt the same way, I had just paid off my car, I was satisfied w/my house, I was growing in my relationship w/God, I was comfortable & established seniority at my job, I had actually made huge accomplishments in my forever life-long battle of the bulge-my weight. This year was going to be the best...obviously!
Little did I know that January would be the only "good" month in the entire year. I lived, horrified & unbelieving, that all the things I mentioned above one by one had started to be ripped out of my life. I think for about 6mos, I was in shock of it all. I couldn't deal... I was merely trying to understand and comprehend the whole notion of "When it rains it pours"... How does someone not drown? As soon as you get yourself self up, than **BAM** a semi-truck hits you with another disappointment. Your car blows up *BAM!*... Two of your family members die within two months **BAM!** ... Everything at your job goes haywire *bam!* Your relationship with the one man you're actually in love with ends **Bam!!** ...and there are other chics involved, lies that were told, and the new chic wants to start drama with you ***BAM!!!, BAM!!!, BAM!!!*** I think, generally, I can handle disappointment well. What I have a hard time handling, is the feeling that my entire life is being ripped away from me; In some form or fashion, It felt like someone/something in every area of my life, that I cared about or loved died... I think I held a funeral in my mind every day. I mourned for the dreams that I lost... the actual family that I lost... the convenience & comfortability of what I had was shaken... It was a year of loss... I felt like I was dead. On good days, I merely existed. On the bad days I called in sick, b/c I couldn't pull myself out of bed. Depression set in, and at times, felt like it was physically holding me down. I've never felt that. Like I said, the first few months, I was in shock... and the months continued, each tragedy kept coming... it even became somewhat comical at one point. I had to make my pain laughable, to even get through them.
"The beauty of having the sky fall, is that one day you'll wake up and notice the sun is shining brightly, again. You got through what you believed was a dark, neverending moment that ultimately did pass... Those moments always pass."- Karrine Steffans
2012 has been pretty much of the same thing, however- I see a little light at the end of the long dark tunnel. Actually let's face it, it's more like dawn at the end of the tunnel. Light would suggest that I actually had a clear path to where I want to go from here. All I do know is the only way is up. I've been praying for some direction and healing to revive my soul. HE needs to restore me to the person I used to know. She wasn't perfect, but she loved life and people. She trusted in good things & that when you do things in love, people are able to see your true intentions... I'm renewing my thoughts. I'm trying to push out 2011 & the aftermath of 2012 out of my mind and heart before 2013 comes.
I'm sad to say that the last few months, I haven't been very kind to myself. By nature, I've always treated others better than myself-- but I never abandoned myself. In 2012, I think the abandonment I felt caused me to abandon the last thing I had left-- me. It just felt weird, that despite everything I lost, that I was still around. Up until a few weeks ago, I've been a functioning shell of who I was. Sure I could breathe and move as always; laugh and smile; cry and think... but there has been so much emptiness behind it; going through the motions of LIFE. I'm now reclaiming myself. I'm purging myself of my zombie-like mindset. I won't give up. This is something that has proven to be pretty hard for me. It's easy to give up. After all the things that happened, giving up felt like sweet relief. And by nature, I'm a very "balanced" person. Generally, I'm not really a "go getter". This is some self actualization for you-- because most people don't actually admit that. I crave balance, which by default I pick and choose my battles; you win some, you lose some. And I'm usually ok with that. I'm not very competitive. You find that the only things that I truly fight for, are things that I love & have a passion for. A date with a guy I'm only "kinda" interested in doesn't work out, oh well... You mess with my family... "It's OVER for you". That's pretty much how I roll. Over the past few months, I've realized that I haven't had a passion for me, or for anything else, for that matter. My emotions run deep and long- so imagine how disconnected I had to be to simple "make it".
This week, I've been coming to terms with the fact that my life is way off course, from what I thought it would be... But I'm learning to embrace it. I'm learning not to lose hope, faith, or passion- but to actually be more of a go-getter. I'll be the first one to tell you that motivation & ambition aren't my strongest points. I looked back at all the dreams I had as a little girl, and started thinking about somewhere along the way, someone stepped on my dreams. I don't ever remember anyone encouraging me along the way in the things that I actually wanted to do. For a period in time, I do remember them encouraging me to draw & do art-- which is far from what I really wanted to do. Somehow, those behaviors formed thought bubbles of "you can't do that", " Most people don't have that...", "That's not real life..." "That's unattainable..."... etc. Somewhere along the way, that lack of support resulted in the death of those dreams. So I shut them out and succombed to the more "practical" dreams. And you know what? Now, I'm BORED.
Given the past events, I'm wondering if maybe I gave up on those dreams to easily. I'm doing a lot of soul searching lately. For once in my life, putting Tiffani first... Really trying to figure out what God wants for me in this life-- because apparently, what I thought he wanted was far off. Sometimes, tragedy has a way of making you put things into perspective. I'm done sleeping on myself. Been sleeping on myself too long...It's been proven that only God is there for you. Sure, friends and family are there at times, but eventually, they get tired of listening to you. Sooner or later, you have to start to look up & start climbing out of your pit... or die. I'd rather die trying, than just to lay there and waste away. So I'm praying for a new outlook on things... One that is permanent & that will allow me to do great things. Through all of this, I know that I am like the Phoenix Bird... The legend says that: “The phoenix can wing her way through the desert skies, and still defying fortune's spite; revive from ashes and rise.”- Miquel de Cervantes Saavedra. Well, I'm rising!