Wednesday, February 15, 2012

"Free Writing"

   I'm having a hard time w/this right now... Not only in my physical aspect, but in all aspects of my life.  I'm not sure what direction to go.  We had a training today about  the 5 elements of Wellbeing... I'm failing miserably at more enough of those elements.  The sad part is, I was doing better before.  I never knew so much of myself was wrapped up in another person.  I never knew that that person could've destroyed so much of me.  I hate that I can't get back to where I was immediately.  I hate that it'll take time.  I hate that my mind subconsiously & consciously re-lives all the events that happen, trying to repair and fix them.  I feel haunted & weighted down by that relationship, now.  One thing that used to lift me up, keep me going and motivate me is not making me numb. 
       I'm not sure how some people do it.  Those people who seem to just bounce back from everything.  I mean, generally I am one of those people... but right now, I just feel very "stuck".  I feel like I want to live the life of my alter-ego.  Someone who doesnt care about anything but achieving their own goals and making my own dreams come true.  I feeling like that's the life I should be living.  I have nothing to hold me back or hold me down, but myself... and of course, these memories.  But physically, there's nothing and no one that's stopping me.  I have no family of my own. I wish I knew where I wanted to go, so that I could work on going there... but the sad part is, the one thing I want more than anything, (Wife, mom, family) is the one thing I have to continually try to hand over to God.  I can't control any of those things, and it bugs me, b/c that's all I want to do.  I just really need to figure out how to pick a direction and go.... It's so frusrating, at times.